I’m supposed to be journaling. Supposedly it’s good for me.
Let me just tell you I was never too much of a diary keeper. The idea of putting my deepest thoughts and innermost secrets in writing seems a little bit scary, like if I write them down they somehow become so much more real. In reality I think it might be the opposite. Like so many things I have been experiencing lately, confessing these inner thoughts actually seems to take power out of them. So I am just going to give this a try and we will see where it leads.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been working a 12 step recovery program since September of 2012 and so far it has been… complicated. Complicated because I compare myself to others. Complicated because I have a husband who tries his best to understand but sometimes falls short. But what he lacks in empathy he makes up for in enthusiastic support and a heart of gold. Since September I’ve seen 30 days of continuous sobriety three times and the last stretch was 90 days before a relapse. As I write this I am coming up on my fourth set of 30 days. Why can’t I get this? Why can all these people who seem to have it “so much worse” than me do this so much better? I don’t know, but I am not going to give up.
I’ve lived a fun life. Nobody close to me really new I had a problem controlling my drinking. I always thought I would stop when I was ready. I thought, “I’ll stop when I turn 30”, well that didn’t happen. I thought, “I’ll stop when I’m in a happy, healthy relationship.” That also didn’t happen. I continued to drink to the point of blackout and obsess every single day over where and when I would get my next drink. It’s like being a slave. It controls your life. Somehow I have been lucky enough not to have had any severe consequences from my drinking. I’ve never been arrested, physically injured, or injured anyone else. (Someone or something must be watching out for me, right?) I have done plenty of damage to my poor husband though, the lying and sneaking – it was not pretty.
So enough of the Debbie Downer stuff… geez. I want to have fun again. Fun the way I used to have fun, without drugs or alcohol. I want to go on adventures, I want to take pictures, cook food and eat it. I want to bitch about my lame and inconsistent attempts at fitness. I want to take pleasure and find joy in the simplest day to day mundane happenings of every day life. I want to use this blog as a way to channel my gratitude, to learn about who I am without a chemical clouding my mind and my spirit. This is only the beginning of my story.