Serenity Sometimes

Embracing the chaos one day at a time. A blog about my adventures in food, photography, fitness and fun.

Journaling

8 Comments

I’m supposed to be journaling. Supposedly it’s good for me.

Let me just tell you I was never too much of a diary keeper. The idea of putting my deepest thoughts and innermost secrets in writing seems a little bit scary, like if I write them down they somehow become so much more real. In reality I think it might be the opposite. Like so many things I have been experiencing lately, confessing these inner thoughts actually seems to take power out of them. So I am just going to give this a try and we will see where it leads.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been working a 12 step recovery program since September of 2012 and so far it has been… complicated. Complicated because I compare myself to others. Complicated because I have a husband who tries his best to understand but sometimes falls short. But what he lacks in empathy he makes up for in enthusiastic support and a heart of gold. Since September I’ve seen 30 days of continuous sobriety three times and the last stretch was 90 days before a relapse. As I write this I am coming up on my fourth set of 30 days. Why can’t I get this? Why can all these people who seem to have it “so much worse” than me do this so much better? I don’t know, but I am not going to give up.

I’ve lived a fun life. Nobody close to me really new I had a problem controlling my drinking. I always thought I would stop when I was ready. I thought, “I’ll stop when I turn 30”, well that didn’t happen. I thought, “I’ll stop when I’m in a happy, healthy relationship.” That also didn’t happen. I continued to drink to the point of blackout and obsess every single day over where and when I would get my next drink. It’s like being a slave. It controls your life. Somehow I have been lucky enough not to have had any severe consequences from my drinking. I’ve never been arrested, physically injured, or injured anyone else. (Someone or something must be watching out for me, right?) I have done plenty of damage to my poor husband though, the lying and sneaking – it was not pretty.

So enough of the Debbie Downer stuff… geez. I want to have fun again. Fun the way I used to have fun, without drugs or alcohol. I want to go on adventures, I want to take pictures, cook food and eat it. I want to bitch about my lame and inconsistent attempts at fitness. I want to take pleasure and find joy in the simplest day to day mundane happenings of every day life. I want to use this blog as a way to channel my gratitude, to learn about who I am without a chemical clouding my mind and my spirit. This is only the beginning of my story.

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Author: nicb1rd

Happily married, pets, no kids. Relatively boring desk job. I blog to nurture my creativity and have a little fun. I love cooking, taking pictures, and general shenanigans.

8 thoughts on “Journaling

  1. I admire this frank and honest post. Since I am not an alcoholic, I have not lived your experiences, but I have lived a long time. That only means I have seen a few things and I am reasonably confidant in saying that many alcoholics are unable to stop UNTIL they have lost a lot, like jobs, family, and self esteem. You are clearly a bright and gifted human, and I do not want you to lose anything, so be strong, work your program, celebrate success, and abstain. I know, easy for me to say.

    • Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s been a challenge. But that’s what life is all about right? And I am so blessed in so many other ways. Everyone has setbacks and I accept that this is mine. It could be so much worse. Also, they say this is a progressive disease so although sometimes it’s hard to abstain, if I play out the tape in my head of where drinking will lead, it’s never to anything good.

  2. I have read tons of your posts this morning, great blog! Then I found this one on alcohol. My story: Been dry for years after years of hard drinking, rehab and loss of first marriage. trust me – it is completely possible to beat the bottle. YOU are the captain of your body, not the alcohol. Good to know your husband supports you – a strong support group is essential right now, as was (for me) not being around drinking. These days it (booze) just doesn’t tempt me at all. My wife and our future is much more important. You can beat this into the ground and be done with it!

    • Glad you found my blog. Thanks for passing on a little bit of experience, strength and hope! Some days I get discouraged but then I remember I don’t have to be perfect, just have to try my best and remember that drinking just doesn’t work for me anymore. All I have to do is remember how crappy it made me feel and how much happier I am and how much better my life is without it.

      • Absolutely! Stay strong. You don’t have a Sub button on the page so I can’t sub you. 😦

      • So, I apologize for being new to this – I don’t know the lingo. I had to look up what a “sub button” was. LOL But I think I figured it out. 🙂

  3. You’re doing a great job! I support and love you each and every day and don’t you forget it! BTW awesome blog!

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